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Gees Im Lost

Well here i am again peoples, it would seem i can talk to this web space alot easier than i can to the people in my life, i wish i could understand why that is, its funny i started this page as something to do, but it has turned into my theripy, and yes i know that my spelling isnt great ut i really dont care…….
 
So of late, what has happed, well i have broken up with kelly, this is a fact that i have already stated, i have slept with my best friend…. now this isnt the part thats fucked up, whats fucked up is that i still have feelings for kelly, but i kno that right now we cant be together for so many reasons, and the fact is we had the pefect relationship in the bedroom, but outside it just got worse and worse, and that is not way to live….
 
im so confuse about what i want, so confued about what to do about the situation that i have found myself in, i know that it is all my doing, and there is so much that the people around me and the people involved jsut dont kno, do i tell them the truth? do i keep all this inside? is there something that i can do to make all this right?  will i ever be trully happy?
 
I find that life is fucked basically, and that all you end up with pain, hurt, torment and saddness, and this is exactly what i have inflicted on the people around me,…….  and for that i feel like a complete arsehole… all i want to do is just hide myself away and forget about he world around me, let everyone live there own lives without me fucking things up and just run away from all my problems….. but to do that would make me a coward, but to stand here and let everyone else get into my head isnt doing me any better…… fuck im so confused…
 
Its funny how life is sopopsed to be easy? its funny how everyone says one thing and mean another, we all want the truth but when you try and tell it, nobody wants to hear it, or they dont like the truth that you have given, so you lie to tell them exactly what they want to hear so they can go off and live there lives, but that dont work either because all your doing is cheating yourself and them…. so your fucked either way…….. and in the end if you havnt told the truth it comes out, and people end up hating you…….. hence my current fucked up mood and state of thought……
 
If i choose to make myself happy i hurt other people to whom i really care about, if i make other people happy then im miserable…. why cant my life just bea easier than this? why does this always seem to be the normal for my life? how can one person "me" seem to make people happy, but im never happy myself? how can people fall for me? when i dont even love myself? how can someone love me at all?
 
I sopose im a very self critical person but people dont understand that…. which means that people dont trully understand me, there are a few people to whom i trully open myself to and someone to whom i really care but its just no possible for me to express that as there is not a real possibility there… and that makes me sad again, what a never ending cycle of pain i have placed myself in, should i just walk away from everything? should i just contnue down this path and eventually self distruct? is there someone out there who understands this?
 
I once heard someone say that you can be in love with someone and fall in lust or infactuation with other people at the same time, and in the end all you do is fuck with your own head which screws up everything around you…. it would seem i have found myslef in this very situation, and it would seem that there is nothing to be done………
 
to anyone that doesnt know me none of what ive said or what im saying wont make any sense, but i have written about you here than you should understand everything perfectly, even the small references about who you are……..
 
I tried comminting suicide this week, and im fortunate enough to have stopped myself, well, my sister stopped me, but i would have really given a shit either way, still dont, the only thing that has ever stopped me is hurting the people that i care and love, but in trying i ended up doing just that, ive realised that it was a cry for help, and the people around me realised that 2, but they seem to think that because i didnt that the problems that drove me there are all sorted and im fine, but im not, nothing has been resolved, nothing is fixed, hell only 1 person has trully opened up 2 me and helped me, but that was just about what i was speaking of before, that didnt fix anything in the long term, in fact all it did was clear my head enough for me to sit here and write about all this, i dont have anyone i can just sit and have a cuppa with and talk about it because everyone is involed or has an opinion on the situation, i dont have someone there who i can just talk to, and so im forced to sit and type all this out onto a computer screen…….. which does help, but it can hold me while i cry, and it cant be there when i need it…….
 
I feel so lost…….
I feel so alone……..
I just want to break………
But i can and its killing me inside
 
there are 2 people who i talk to, who listen and dont judge me, but they are to far away, and talking text to each other can only go so far, sometimes you need to hear a voice, to know that there person is really there, to hear the words and to kno that they actually have the emotion attatched to them that you hope is there……
 
Ive thought about drinking myself into a stupor to numb the pain for a while, but i kno it wont work,…… ive actually tried it, it didnt work, ive even tried having a few cones, and for those that kno me kno how low ive actually fell to do that, and all it did was make me feel worse………..
 
Fuck how i mish that life was simple and made sense… but it isnt and it doesnt…. will it ever……… i  wish there was an answer, but i dont see myslef ever getting one, will i find that happyness inside again….. somehow i doubt it………… i dont feel i deserve it….. i guess some people are just meant to be alone……
 
i actually doubt that anyone will read this and those that do will be involved and will have thre own oppinions and will belive that what i have spoken of is not that bad, or whatever that beleive…. hell i dont even think anyone trully cares….
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Friends

Well how is it all going people?
 
Hows my life going? well pretty good, am single, am happy, however, Some Lame arse but licking mother fucking cock sucking sheep raping perverted kiwi C**T!!!!!! stole my phone…… my $700 phone….. I AM NOT VERY FUCKIN HAPPY
 
works going well, life is good……….. except all you peoples out there dun talk to me nemore, your online a little, but you dun talk to me, and if i msg you i get ignored…. fair enough, but tell me to piss off………… of course there are some people, who kno who they are, who i just dont wanna talk to,…………… isnt that right
 
 
Friends…. well friends are people who you love, people you care about, people that you just kno will be there for you and who will be a shoulder for you when you need it, someone who will always look out for you, and who knows that you will do the same and more….
 
 
to all my friends out there, thank you for being you, thank you for your help, your shoulder, and you care…….
 
 
well peoples, hope you having fun wherever you are, whatever your doing….
 
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New Beginings

Well it been a while since i was on here, and suprise suprise, its because i lost my interent…….Again
 
alot has changed in my life since i as last on here……..alot indeed
 
first up, i got a job, a new better one. i am a milkman, sort-of…. i work for peters-brownes a milk company here in W.A. it good money, shit hours, 5:30pm->1:30am, which is playing hell on my sleep and all that, i mean i finsihed work at 1am today, and im still up, it sucks but such is life….
 
i recently had to have my best mate ‘jack’ put to sleep, he was 15yr and a bloody good companion, kelpie x black lab, a one of a kind, he had the most gentile soul… he should have lived forever, and i guess i wasnted him to, looking back he probably should have passed on months ago….. but i just couldnt let him go…..
 
dont think its hit me fully yet, but i know it will
 
I also recently ended my relationship with my girlfriend, kelly…….. i guess sometimes 2 people who seen happy just arnt, and i guess we rushed things, hindsight the best 20/20 around
i guess sometimes love isnt enough……
 
well my site has changed a little and well if im online more, and i hope to be, then it will slowly grow back to how it was, ill get back into IMVU and have even begun working on my own buisness…….. still in the early stages but it looks to be very lucrative if all goes to plans, so wish me luck
 
well ill have to catch up with all those who are still talking to me, and of your not…… how come?
 
well hope wherever you are, what ever your doing your happy
stay true to yourselves, be honest about your heart
dont lie and always be yourself no matter what
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??????????

LAZY BASTARDS, dont ya ever say hello?
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the time of year

well peoples its that bloody time of year and all i can say is wow……
 
i normally hate xmas but now its turing into a time that i can really enjoy? how’d that happen?
 
anyways just wanted to say hi, not sure what to say, kinda lost my interst in this and msn in the traditional sense…..
 
to all the people that i used to talk to, im still here, i do miss talking to you, i just dont have the time nemore… right now im working 9-12 hours per day so when im home, its food and bed…
 
sleep is good!
 
my life is going great and its looks to be only getting better, just thought id add that, not that neones actually intersted but yeah..
 
hope that your all well, next time i update will probably be after xmas when i well ba gloating about some things, have a great time, see you in the new years, and if im on between here and then say hi, coz it might be the last chance to do so for a while.
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the future

well, so how is everyone?
 
havnt done one of these in a bit, thought i should say hi to all, as i dont get much time on the net these days, i never thought id say this, but i got me elife now, and the computer just doesnt seem that important nemore, and yes i know im using one now…
 
2moro is my 2 month anerversary with kelly, kel, my baby, its hard to believe that we got here so fast, but it feels like ive been with her for years…. and because i feel like that some things may come as a shock to people over the next few months, but just know that im happy, and that im in love….. the best life has to offer i live……
 
theres nothing like waking up holding the one that you love, the one that you know your going to spend the rest of your life with, and these nothing like waking up being held by that same one, the feeling of returned love is amazing, the only thing better is being totally sure that life finally tured around, and let you know that after all the shit is can dish out, that everyone can find that perfect happyness
 
so to my baby
 
i love you more than you kno
and i will always love you
 
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The funny way life is

Well howq my life has changes, last week i was 100% certain of how my life was going, and if you’ve read some of my latest blogs then you wil know just how my life has been all over the place, i was certain that i had a grip on things… how wrong i was, geezzz… and i am so blooody glad that i didnt know how life was going……
 
get this… last thursday i woke up single, interested in someone, but single…. that night.. well let me backup, tuesday i was flirtiing with this girl… and it was great….. anyway back to thurday… i was hanging around this girl at her work for like 3 hours, til closeing we were tlaking flirting and i asked her out… that night i spent over 8 hours on the phone talking to her… til like 5:50am in the morning.. we talked about everything that you can imagine…. and we even fella sleep ont he phone together for about 5 minutes… that night "friday" i went out with her and her sister.. and since then i have been with her… so i woke up single and fell asleep with a girl, and fell asleep friday night with her in my arms. and now im in a relationship and i love it, she is fantastic and i love her. i know it sounds stupis but i really do love her… i kno thatafter like 5 days its sounds stupid but tis tru.. any ways i just wanted to tell everybody how happy i am, i havnt really stoped smiling and neither has she…. "i say she coz its a secret"
 
if you actually know me well them maybe chat to me and i’ll telll you more…
 
"life is so bloody fickle, you just cant se it coming, anyone that has read my blogs will know that ihave the ability to see some things coming iin my life, i know it sounds stupid and alot of people dont beleive or understand, i really dont care….. but i never saw this coming and bloddy hell i just camt beleive that i didnt" "however i had been having thoughts, and dreams that didnt make a lot of sense to me, certain things, meetings of people, and events, like falling asleep with someone in my arms. mying on a lounge with someone there, and just holding someone close" " at the time i just put it don to me doing what i normally do, you kno day dream, and funyn enough, about half of the things that i have seem my head  has come tru, now i just wanna wait and see which ones come thru next… that will be interesting?"
 
 
i hope that whever you are you as happy as me and i hope that you find someone that makes you as happy as i feel….
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Another way to communicate

Hey peoples, ive recently got into a new chat program called IMVU, now if you’ve heard of it great, no need to read on, but if not have a quick read
 
its basically like msn, but in 3D with a little 3D character that you design, refit, and you can communicate with loads of people at once, ive had convo’s with 11 othere people at once,a ll in the same room.. now thats communicating, anywaysjust have a look, these are 2 advers for it, have a look, its worth it.. and if you wanna join, use the links here, you’ll halp me out, coz if you join from these, then i earn credits for you joining…. and if you get your friend to join then your friends aern credits, and you use these credits to buy cool shit for your character\avatar…… so have a look….
 

 

 

IMVU – The World’s Greatest 3D Chat

 
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Oi, this is how it is

Hey all
how you all doing?
 
well i hope you are all well, the responses i got to my last blog were norrow at best, please for one second do not think that, i always think like that, like everyone else in the world i have my bad days, and i just need to vent, at the time i did that blog, i was a little lost in my  own thoughts, and it just poured out, i wrote the whole blog in about 40 minutesm while listening o music and chating, so it was not to hard, i dont know where it all came from, but when im in a downer of a mood, all the thought like that just surface,a nd i use this bloging system to just vent it out, as i dont have many people to whom i can just dribble shit to without getting some feedback during my dribleing spell. so dont over annalyse what was writen, just take it with a grain of salt, i do… and thats all that matters
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